Everyone loves to fart and hates to exercise. Many of us are excited by the news that farting could potentially make you lose weight! “If you fart all day, You could be a size two by Christmas”

#1
With obesity rates soaring in America, people are looking into alternative ways to lose weight. Researchers have found the newest fat burning tip, which is the biggest weight loss breakthrough since the Atkins diet.

#2
A new study coming out of Stanford University claims that “one fart burns approximately 67 calories. Farting 52 times in one day can burn 1 pound of fat.” In addition to that, the amount of calories burned by farting would also depend on how long the fart lasts and how much energy you use to do it. For those longer, extended farts, some people can burn close to 90 calories per release.

#3
Even Google suggests that farting burns 67 calories per one flavor explosion. That means that if one farts ten times in one day, they’d be burning 670 calories. Fart twenty times and you could basically discount anything you ate! Considering that an average human farts 14 times per day already, a couple of extras wouldn’t be difficult! Best. Diet. Ever.

#4
Researchers are recommending, “just let it go.” Additionally, scientists predict that every time you pass gas, you add an additional 85 seconds to your life. At the end of the day, for most people, that could add up to several years of additional time to spend with your loved ones.

#5
“People say it is rude,” explained Robert Dingle, lead researcher at Stanford. “But it’s your life, not theirs. If they want to be overweight and die early, that’s their choice. But if you want to live long, fart long!”

#6
But remember

A 28-year-old Michigan man, Ralph Holden, was arrested and booked on charges of first-degree murder after his girlfriend was found dead in their 82nd St. home over the weekend. According to reports, neighbors called 911 and reported a domestic disturbance after they heard shouting from Holden’s residents.

Upon their arrival, they found 26-year-old Wendy Miller unresponsive on the kitchen floor. Holden immediately confessed to police that he killed his girlfriend, but the reason stunned investigators. “I have never heard such an insane reason for committing such a vicious act,” said Lieut. Mike Reynolds of the Kalamazoo Police Department. “According to Holden’s confession, he complained that Miller would not make eye contact with him when he was trying to have a conversation with her. I mean, have you seen this guy’s eyes? I don’t mean to be rude, but nobody would know which way he was looking or which eye to make contact with. It’s just a real shame.”
According to the 911 transcripts, a neighbor reported the disturbance saying she heard shouting were Holden continued to demand from his girlfriend, “look at me, look at me, look at me!” The neighbor could hear Miller crying, “I am but you never believe me!” That’s when Holden admitted to choking his girlfriend until she completely stopped breathing.

Holden is being held without bond pending a mental evaluation.

Seattle, WA – A disgruntled Starbucks employee is now behind bars, and a loyal customer “scarred for life” after she had an unwanted “Add Shot” in her Vanilla ‘extra cream’ Latte. Crystal Gray, 32, says she ordered her usual morning ‘extra shot’ Vanilla Latte, and as always was a little creeped out by the employee Dan Murphy as he continued to flirt with her. She received her coffee, sat down and began working on her laptop.

“It was a while before I took my first sip, because the coffee is always very hot,” said Gray devastated and repulsed by what happened. “But when I did, it was like something thick was at the hole of the lid so I slurped it through and when it got into my mouth I knew something wasn’t right. Oh my God… I pressed it against the roof of my mouth and I knew it was semen. It was that damn Barista to who keeps flirting with me. I told him I wasn’t interested and this is what he does! I’m sorry, I have to end this interview, think I’m going to be sick.”

Police were called out to question the employees at the coffee shop. Gray told police she suspected that it was Murphy, and when they checked his apron, they found a small Tupperware container which contain traces of Murphy’s semen, confirmed through DNA testing. In a recorded confession, Murphy admitted to ejaculating into the Tupperware container earlier that day before he arrived at work. He knew Gray would come in for her morning coffee, and according to the confession he “really wanted to be inside of her any way he could. Anyway, she asked for the add shot and that’s what I gave her.”

Murphy was arrested and charged with a federal felony for tainting food and causing illness. Gray will have to undergo several tests to assure she has not contracted any type of disease due to her contaminated coffee. Starbucks released a statement saying that Murphy was immediately fired and will no longer be able to seek employment at any Starbucks location.

Police suggest taking the lid off of your coffee before drinking it, as semen will normally “float to the top” and be noticed by the consumer.

Las Vegas, NV – A frisky 92-year-old great-grandmother, Mildred Vandorsum, was hospitalized over the weekend after “tricking out” her vagina with her granddaughters Bedazzle kit. According to family members, Vandorsum had signed up for an online dating service recently, where she met a 36-year-old male who asked her out on a date after seeing her e Harmony profile picture . The family tried to convince the great-grandmother of 22 to reconsider, mainly because of the age of her newly acquired beau. However, they say Vandorsum was persistent and “ready for an adventure.”

But everything took a horrible turn on Saturday evening when Vandorsum began complaining of shortness of breath, nausea and dizziness. Her daughter, Ruth, insisted on taking Vandorsum to the hospital. When they arrived, Ruth explained to the ER doctor that her mom had been on a date with the younger man the previous night and it may have been a bit much on her. But that’s when Vandorsum interrupted, and confessed to the doctor the real story.

“Oh I don’t think it was the date itself sweetie,” said Vandorsum as she explained the possible cause of her symptoms to the ER doctor. “I think it might have been that damn Bedazzle kit I stole from Lizzie’s room before my date on Friday. I decided to bling out my goodies, you know just like those rap stars do to their teeth. And I did just that. And boy was he surprised. I laid on my side and lifted my leg in the air and said ‘Hey Yum Yum do you like my new smile, it’s VaJazzled!’ I was blinged from front to back. He said it looked more like a frown. But that didn’t stop him!”

After the examination, the doctor found that several of the gems had been forced up into Vandorsum’s uterus. Additionally, she had used superglue to adhere the gems to her vaginal area, causing poisoning to her system. The superglue and the gemstones were settled into her vaginal wall for over 24 hours causing swelling, infection and lesions. Vandorsum was treated and released the following day. Doctors say this is not the first time they have seen somebody come into the emergency room for trying to spruce up their feminine parts. However, they did say this is the first time they had ever seen anybody above the age of 50.