Category: Jokes

This is a collection of funny jokes.

Husband Spends Entire Paycheck On Parties With Buddies. No Way He Was Expecting This Reaction From Wife.

husband-spends-paycheck-party

There are some times where you just don’t give your wife lip, and if you don’t know what to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. In this case, this man kept his regrets for a full week….read on…

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, and the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Man Lied To His Wife After Coming Home Drunk. Her Response Is Priceless.

drinking-hubby

Guys need to unwind, to find themselves in the company of other Y chromosomes, to be themselves and not worry about the consequences. Boys’ night out can take many shapes and forms, depending on whether you’re single, married or have entered the realm of fatherhood. Check out what happens to this man after a night with the boys…

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘guys.’ I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when drunk as a skunk…. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her ‘MIDNIGHT’. She didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’

When I asked her why, she said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t,’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Newlywed Man Tries To Escape His Wife For A Night. Her Response Is Gold.

newlywed-man-tries-to-escape

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar…you know… they have frozen glasses… “

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…LISTEN UP D**KHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F**K UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F**KIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN’T GOING TO A F**KIN’ BAR! THAT S**T IS OVER… GOT IT, A**HOLE?”

…and they lived happily ever after.

Man Loses Eye In An Accident. But When He Asks Her Out? Totally Unexpected!

man-loses-eye

I thought for sure this was going to be a boy meets girl story that ends with one of those “you caught my eye” puns. But no, no, it is so much better than that!

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up.

While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.

“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.

The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses “Would, I?! Would I?!”

To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”

Guy Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

pregnant-lady-on-bus

Australian Court Docket 12659, Case of the Pregnant Lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming‘ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!‘ … I just lost it.”

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

Want another laugh? Check out this Pregnant Man on a Bus Commercial Video.

Passengers Were Shocked When The Pilot Shouted “OMG” On The Speaker. What Follows Is Priceless.

pilot-shouts-omg

You know the one thing flight captains should never do is scare their passengers unnecessarily. They do have protocols that avoid that sort of thing, but imagine if something like this happened to you mid-flight.

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!

A scream then silence followed….

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”.

One Irish passenger yelled… “For Christ’s sake you should see the back of mine!!!”

Woman Catches Her Husband Cheating. But Then He Gave THIS Reason…

A woman comes home early only to find her husband cheating on her with another woman. You’ll never believe what he said to her.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”

Six Reasons You Should Always Think Before You Speak. These Are Hilarious!

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…well here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

First Testimony:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

Second Testimony:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

Third Testimony:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,

‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Fourth Testimony:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Fifth Testimony:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’

‘No,’ he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time,‘Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

Sixth Testimony:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Man Is Harassed By Three Bikers. But They Never Expected Him To Respond Like THIS!

man-bikers

A man was just minding his own business at a truck stop diner when three mean looking bikers walked in. They harassed him, but what he did in return took them completely by surprise.

A man was eating in a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s coffee and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

Best Response Ever To A Cheating Husband. This Is Hilarious.

After years of marriage he suddenly started feeling under-appreciated…or did he? He left this parting note to his wife writing how he felt but what she wrote back is priceless.

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

She Charged This Man $1,000 For Each Visit. But Was Shocked When He Said This.

You know that thing they say about lawyers? It’s why you never want to be involved with them at all, period. In this story, the lawyer certainly got ahead, but can’t really blame him for taking the opportunity (wink).

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40’s or early 50’s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, ” South Carolina.”

“Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer