“Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home.” –Bill Cosby, comedian

“I’m so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” –Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

“My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.” –Bob Monkhouse, actor/comedian

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” –Jim Gaffigan, comedian

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” –Red Buttons, actor/comedian

“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.” –Bertrand Russell, philosopher

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” –Bill Hicks, comedian

“Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.” –P.J. O’Rourke, political satirist

“Be a dad. Don’t be ‘Mom’s assistant.’ That’s depressing, just waiting for her to write you a list, walk around a store staring at it, calling her from the cereal aisle to make sure you got the right thing. Be a man. Make your own list. Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a 4-year-old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won’t take away your manhood; it will give it to you. I did that. I spent more time with my kids. And I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.” –Louis C.K., comedian

“Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” –Martin Mull, actor

“There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.” –Peter De Vries, writer

“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” –Jack Handey, comedian

“If my father had hugged me even once, I’d be an accountant right now.” –Ray Romano, comedian

“Sometimes they’ll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I’ll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.” –Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

“Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster too.” –Lionel Kauffman, writer

“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.” –Homer Simpson, fictional character “They don’t grade fathers, but if your daughter is a stripper, you f—ed up.” –Chris Rock, comedian

“If my kid couldn’t draw, I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.” –Mitch Hedberg, comedian

“In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off.” –Tom Papa, comedian

“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” –George W. Bush, former President of the United States